Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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