What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
