Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
