Only a mothe r could love this liver
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
