Your face is a jimmy john
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
