you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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