I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
