i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
