wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
