part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
