At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You need a sexual gate keeper
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
