im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
