If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
