I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
