I bet he comes in French.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
