Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
