The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
