he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
