My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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