guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Randomize
