I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
