evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
