so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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