I love black thongs
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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