sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
