thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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