i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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