I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
