It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
