I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We are all done wearing pants today
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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