I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
