You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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