Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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