tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
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You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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