If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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