you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
