Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
