I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We are all done wearing pants today
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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