Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm getting married
To pizza
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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