i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
