I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
