I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
