Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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