you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
