Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
