the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize
