just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
