This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
