i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
