My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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