He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
