one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
