I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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