I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
