New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
