he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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