I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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