he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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