Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Boobs speak an international language.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
