the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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